Let's Talk About Self-Sabotage

The first thing to know about self-sabotage is to not judge yourself harshly about it. Self-sabotage is a function of your inherited patterns and thought processes. Some may have originally helped us feel safe, accepted, or protected from rejection and disappointment. They have been with us for so long, they often feel so normal and comfortable, that we may not recognize them or notice how they interfere with our goals and dreams.

The good news is that you have within you the capacity to recognize and change these thoughts and patterns whenever you decide to.

My own pattern: people-pleasing

I personally recognized a pattern of people-pleasing in my own life. Throughout my earlier years, I consistently put other people's needs and desires before my own. I often said yes to things that did not interest or benefited me. I would help anyone and do things for others because, at the time, it created a feeling of acceptance and belonging that I needed.

In college a few of my friends wanted to pledge a sorority. I had no interest in that type of community or the pledging process, but I joined because I wanted to maintain those relationships and preserve my sense of belonging. I went through an enormous amount of unnecessary and unwanted rituals and antics to become a part of the group.

The funny thing is that after completing “hell week” and “hell night” and becoming an official member, I never participated in any of the beneficial, collaborative, or educational activities associated with the sorority.

When old patterns stop serving us

Self-sabotage happens when patterns that once helped us navigate life become so routine that we continue making decisions from them—even when those decisions no longer support who we genuinely are, where we are going, or what we truly want. These patterns may even create unnecessary stress and unwanted outcomes.

Another pattern that you may recognize is procrastination—putting off tasks and responsibility. Procrastination may be connected to a lack of confidence, fear of failure, or the desire to avoid discomfort. Eventually, those unfinished tasks may create urgency, stress, and overwhelm.

Perfectionism can also become a form of self-sabotage. When we're young, perfectionism can look like we're working really hard at our schooling or activities. Later in life that level of performance insistence can lead to burnout, frustration with others who don't perform to the same degree, and may even affect relationships where you push others to do as well as you are when they're already doing the best they can.

Patterns can change

We know now through personal development research, cognitive behavioral psychology and neuroscience, that these patterns can change. The Bible also gives us clear instruction about the connection between our thoughts and our lives.

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” — Proverbs 23:7

This provides an understanding of how the old patterns and beliefs are influencing our lives. But Romans 12:2 tells us that we can be “transformed by the renewing of our minds.” And 2 Corinthians 10:5 provides the instruction: “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

Together these passages are a process: recognize the thoughts influencing our lives, examine them, and intentionally replace old patterns with thoughts and behaviors that align with truth. This is how inside-out transformation begins.

The Thrive Framework

I developed a framework called the Thrive Framework based on years of working with people who had become stuck in survival mode and needed guidance as they learned how to thrive.

If you're curious about other patterns you may not recognize and what a new empowering or thriving thought may look like, head over to my resource page and download the Top 10 Self-Sabotaging Patterns document.