You Are Who You Think You Are.

Have you ever heard the statement that “you tend to behave in a manner consistent with what you believe about yourself?” Think deeply for just a moment on that. Your behavior — the way you act — often reflects what you believe about yourself: the internal, often unconscious thoughts that determine your worth and value.

Do you believe you’re smart?

Do you believe you’re attractive?

Do you believe you’re capable?

Worthy?

Valuable?

Abundant?

Happy?

Answers to these types of questions can sometimes be seen through our actions more easily than discovered through our thoughts. Someone who believes they are not valuable nor worthy of a good life can often be found living somewhat recklessly.

I am not talking in extremes. I am, however, suggesting that if we look at someone who doesn’t know their value, some of their behaviors may be indicative of their low self-worth. When someone regularly allows others to make major life choices for them, remains in unhealthy relationships, or repeatedly turns to food for comfort, those behaviors may point to an underlying struggle with self-worth. They can have other causes, too, but they are worth noticing with curiosity and compassion.

Even the loved ones struggle

Even those who grew up in loving and safe homes struggle with self-worth. I was born to a loving yet wounded family. I have an older sister and a younger brother. Somehow, the dynamic in the family unit caused me to believe I was unwanted, unnecessary. I cannot point to one specific moment or memory.

I was a little girl wanting attention. My older sister was introverted and quiet, willing to sit and color or draw. I was boisterous and curious — not much for sitting still. As a result, my dad would sometimes take my sister to the office with him. Then my younger brother was born.

Somewhere in my young mind, I concluded, “They already had their perfect little girl, and now they had a boy. What did they need me for?”

I believed I was extra and unnecessary. In reality, my parents really did and do love me. But that belief had already taken root, and my parents’ separation during my teenage years — from the time I was 13 until I was 17 — seemed to solidify it.

I continued to live out of that wound in my heart for many years, looking for attention in all the wrong ways. I chose a college path that I had no genuine interest or great aptitude for and eventually became someone I didn’t really think very highly of.

Can you relate in some way? I was acting out of the belief I had formed as a child: the identity of someone who believed she was unnecessary.

Identity shapes action

According to Daphna Oyserman, identity provides “a basis for meaning-making and for action.” In other words, our inner beliefs and sense of identity influence how we interpret experiences, make choices, and act. You’ll be happy to learn that it applies to positive beliefs, not just negative. You’ll also be happy to know that neuroscience has helped to prove that the patterns associated with negative beliefs can be changed.

For more on this you may enjoy reading my Living from the Inside Out blog.

I am living proof of this. As I worked through the wrong belief that I was unloved or unvalued, my self-love and self-worth improved, and along with it my choices and decisions.

Questions for self-discovery

Some helpful questions to consider if you’d like to do a little self-discovery would be:

• Are you behaving from your authentic identity or from a role created during survival?
• What sentence beginning with “I am…” might be organizing your choices?
• What behavior makes sense when viewed through what you currently believe about yourself?

Identity-Based Motivation

You’ll hear it said that if you want to change your life, start with yourself. It is because of this very idea that actions based on identity are more congruent to us than actions out of desire. Psychology calls this Identity-Based Motivation Theory. It looks like this:

“I want to write a book” expresses a desire and identifies an outcome.

“I am an author” connects the act of writing to identity. Writing is no longer merely something the person hopes to do; it becomes an expression of who they believe themselves to be.

The difference is this: someone who has a goal of writing a book because they identify as an author is fulfilling a self-concordant goal — one that is aligned with who they are. Someone who has a desire to write a book is expressing a desired outcome. People are more likely to make progress when their goals reflect their authentic values.

The same research by Koestner and colleagues found that progress was strongest when personally meaningful goals were combined with implementation intentions — specific plans for how to begin and remain on task.

Values in action

If I use one of my top five values to explain, it would look like this. I value family. Relationships with my family are a priority to me. So when I have an opportunity to help one of my family members, I’m going to put it in the calendar before anything else. They become the reason I need to reschedule other things. My yes for them allows me to say no to other things.

I value generosity. So when I have the opportunity to be a blessing to someone who is working hard or in need, I’m ready for it. The waitress gets tipped a percentage I have already determined, and it’s higher than 20%. The kids in Uganda, the local homeless mission, God Behind Bars — I give to these places monthly through auto-pay. They mean something to me and align with my value of generosity.

Why the tension matters

Here is why all of this matters: when our actions contradict our values or self-image, we can experience what psychology calls cognitive dissonance — the discomfort created by inconsistency between what we believe and how we behave. The difference between your values and your behavior is not evidence that you are a failure. It is information showing you where inside-out transformation is still needed.

This tension is intended to be useful. It isn’t helpful to use the tension to shame ourselves, but rather to become aware that we are acting in a manner inconsistent with our beliefs and values. When we take a moment to consider our values and decide who we want to be without punishing ourselves for past actions, we become more receptive to change.

A process for change

If there is a difference between who you want to be and the choices you are making currently, here is the process to begin the change:

1. Notice the behavior without judging.
2. Try to identify the belief or identity from which it came.
3. Compare it with your chosen values.
4. Decide who you are becoming.
5. Choose one action that confirms that identity and do it, repeatedly.
6. Celebrate the progress, no matter how small it seems.

Summary

Let’s summarize: identity tells me who I am. My values tell me what matters. Aligned actions provide evidence that I am becoming who I have chosen to be.

It is never too late. You are never too old, too wounded, or too far behind to change. Change is always possible — and lasting transformation begins on the inside.

If you are ready for that kind of change, I created the Thrive Framework to guide you through the process. If you are not ready for coaching but are curious and want to begin, try my 7-Day Exchange Program. It is available for $47 in the Shop at extraordinarylife-coaching.com.

Love,
Marcy