Are You Able to Receive the Good You Deserve?

Have you ever deflected a compliment? You know, someone says, “Oh, that shirt is a great color, and you look so good in it.” You reply with something like, “This? Oh, I, uh, I think it was a hand-me-down from my sister.” Wouldn’t the appropriate response to a compliment simply be, “Thank you so much”?

There’s a framework in personal development called the “threshold of deservingness.” It draws on psychological research on self-worth and self-value as they relate to our ability to receive good. The idea is that when something good comes to us, but it doesn't match up with how we see ourselves, we may experience an invisible internal resistance. Instead of simply receiving the good, we may feel uncomfortable, uneasy, or even compelled to dismiss it.

Joe Vitale wrote extensively about this in his books The Key and The Missing Secret. Joe describes it as someone who resists moving beyond a familiar level of success or happiness because they don’t believe they deserve it. In the psychological field, research by Dr. Kristin Neff and Prof. William B. Swann Jr. on self-compassion and self-verification, respectively, offers insight into how our self-perception can influence the way we interpret opportunities, respond to praise, and behave in relationships.

It’s an interesting topic to consider. I know personally I was the girl who couldn’t receive a compliment directly. Compliments would cause me to feel a slight nervousness and respond awkwardly. I usually explained away the words. I think it was imposter syndrome—“You couldn’t mean me.” I was also the person who couldn’t accept or ask for help. If someone wanted to assist me, I’d say, “That’s okay, I got it.” Looking back, there were so many times I wished I had someone to help me and felt overwhelmed with responsibility. But I couldn’t accept help graciously anyway. I was attempting to prove my self-worth through accomplishment.

There are other signals that might indicate a lower threshold of deservingness: financial glass ceilings, self-sabotage, and waiting for something bad to happen in response to something good.

In Psycho-Cybernetics, Maxwell Maltz, a plastic surgeon, wrote about the interesting outcomes of plastic surgery. It’s pretty fascinating that the external change of a surgery did not always result in the outcome you’d expect. The seemingly more significant effect on a person’s outlook was based on the person’s internal picture of themselves, not the external result of a physical change.

I hope to spur you on to consider if there may be some unseen reason why you are not breaking through certain levels of success or growth. Is it possible that your self-view still needs to grow and you don’t see yourself as beautiful, successful, abundant, or loved?

I remember discovering my predominant limiting belief. It was “I’m not enough.” It affected my self-view in most areas: appearance, self-love, competency, and success. I had to ask myself if this was, in fact, truth or something a younger version of myself believed based upon childhood interpretations of experiences.

Of course, I knew immediately it wasn’t factual. I could look at my own life and see enough evidence of capability and accomplishment to help me make a new decision: “I am worthy.”

Then I began supporting that new decision with affirmations, embodiment practices, new evidence, and coaching.

It was not an immediate, complete turnaround, but with persistence and patience, I learned to renew my mind for the truth. I am truly loved and worthy and valuable. My life is beginning to reflect this new internal truth in my business, my speaking, writing, relationships, and impact on others.

Here's something to consider: The next time someone compliments you, offers to help, or an unexpected opportunity comes your way, pay attention to your immediate response. Do you receive it graciously, or do you feel the need to explain it away, minimize it, or question whether you deserve it?

Where are you in the process? Have you already moved that barrier? I’d love to hear your journey. Are you “in process”? Allow me to encourage you: keep going, you’re so worth it. Are you just beginning? It can feel overwhelming. Take one step at a time. You’ve got this. It’s going to be so worth it!

Love,
Marcy